IT’S BEEN AWHILE

So those that have read from my first entry to now, have probably cottoned onto the fact that 2019 has been my least favourite year to date. 

People are always so quick to jump on social and proclaim their life is amazing. They showcase the highlight reel. Well kids, in case you haven’t yet picked up on it – this is most certainly not my highlight reel, it’s just my “real”.

This next statement, is both brutally honest, and a realisation of my biggest battle and challenge…

I’ve never questioned my worth as a human being more than I have in the entirety of this year. Yesterday. Today. Most probably tomorrow. Apparently 2019 isn’t quite done with kicking my arse. 

Why? Because life keeps throwing and showing me situations in which on the surface appear to scream “You, my dear, are simply not quite good enough!”. Pair that with a constant daily reminder in the mirror of a past in which you wish to leave behind, and you have yourself quite the little predicament. 

Now I’d like to think I’m pretty resilient. I can handle one or two events in the cause of soul evolution, but there comes a point where it stops being evolution, and starts being soul destroying. And that, that is where shit get real. What the eff am I doing wrong?

I’m at that point. Shit is real. I have questions, but no answers. Everyone has their battles, just to varying degrees. No answers, paired with a lack of faith and uncertainty, I’ve come to believe, is what screws us up most in life.

I still question myself as to why I am willingly choosing to express myself when I have fought my whole life to remain unknown and therefore untouchable with regards to vulnerability and judgement. 

I know it’s something that I have to do, I just have yet to figure out the why behind it. Rest assured though, the vulnerability – I still hate it. For me, it is uncomfortable, it is unnatural, and it is scary. I guess it’s a case of that or the alternative, complete desensitisation to the world. Personally, the desensitisation would be a much easier option.

I used to think life was a game, and I played it pretty well. I strategised, I made moves, I made good fucking life choices. 

Now, hell I feel more like a pawn than a player. 

I’m struggling to grasp the meaning behind it all. What I desperately want, is someone to tell me with the upmost certainty that it will all work out in the end. That person used to be me. Now, now I’m not so sure. 

What I can be sure of though, is just when you think you’re starting to figure it all out, it turns out to be just the beginning.