THE BASICS

Tales from the perfect storm.

Firstly, why through words? I think it’s important to note that I never feel more like me, than when I write. It’s what I do and it’s who I am. It’s how I communicate best, even if only to myself. When I stop doing life and sit with a pen and paper, time both simultaneously stands still and passes by in a moment. It is my one and only outlet. 

I’m not even sure where to start. Do I start from the beginning, or just the mid way point where I want to say it all imploded, but where I believe it to have all just begun. This year, 2019. One that will forever be etched into my memory due to its immense impact on my life. The year that I got to where I had always wanted to be, only in turn to discover it wasn’t the answer. Not only was it not the answer, I very acutely came to the realisation it was only just the beginning of my questions….

Let me start by disclaiming that up until this point, I have been an exceptionally closed off soul. Until very recent times, my best friend of 18 years had yet to ever witness me shed a tear. Through deaths, despair and achievement, my greatest form of expression was wit and sarcasm. Looking outside in – I was a machine. By my own choosing, I had a very calculated public persona. It was the opposite of all that I was – tough, cold, desensitised, detached. I equated public displays of emotion or expression from myself as traits of weakness. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I’ve fallen, I’ve cracked open, and it’s become apparent that the only way to survive and thrive is to become everything I’ve never been. For learning to have the confidence to say, “this is who I am”. Confidence is not saying “will they like me”, confidence is saying. “I’ll be fine if they don’t”.

So with that being said, it’s important to note how confronting this is for me. And liberating. It’s completely terrifying, but also calming – duality in is finest. It’s lessons, and it’s life.

The purpose of this all is an immersion of sorts. For me first and foremost, exactly as it should be. It’s the challenge of getting to introduce me to myself, possibly for the first time, and the unfamiliar concept of not being afraid to have people witness the ride. For fractions, or for larger parts of journey. For being unapologetically authentic, despite how much I may fight it. For being truthful, even when far from poetic. For being bold and brave, even when slightly broken. For being honest about who I am and the journey that I’ve been through, even when it’s uncomfortable. The tales of what made me, and the things from this point that shape me.

This is about aligning with people who are meant to be part of my tribe. To solidifying those that may teach (whether conscious or unconsciously), and those that just support. I have no doubt that many will fall to the wayside and connections will be lost, and that’s okay also. This kind of thing isn’t for everyone, nor does it have to be. I respect that. And I respect me for choosing to forge ahead regardless. 

But to move forward, we must first have to go backwards. To where it all started…