In the name of honesty, I have a confession. I write best, or should I say at most ease, when I’ve been drinking. 

The more I drink, the more my walls come down. The more my walls come down, the more the words flow. I get this sudden need to express all the BS that I’m internalising, and I grab my pen and paper. I’ve come to realise that when I am sober, I am so mechanically structured. Mechanically structured – Interesting term of description you may say. Let me break it down for you….

Old habits, they die hard. When I am stone cold sober in every day life, nearly every move I make is somewhat laced with intention. It is somewhat calculated, as I have mentioned before, it is most definitely guarded, as I have mentioned before, it is unfortunately ingrained. When I’ve had a few drinks under my belt, I become more of the person I wish to be by default – a little less “care-y”, a little less mindful, and a whole lot more ballsy. I suddenly care a little less what people think, and become a little more in tune with the things that I jam with. I have an appreciation and admiration for the real, and more tolerance and compassion for the intricacies of life. 

If there is one thing I love most in life – it is honesty. I would like to say that I’m an honest person, but to be fair, I haven’t always been. I deflected honesty by becoming incredibly internalised. I wasn’t lying, but I also wasn’t speaking my truth. 

Maybe it’s karma that I now appear to be endlessly surrounded by dishonest folk. Ironic given that my respect levels for a human skyrocket when they are unapologetically honest. I could disagree with every single word out of your mouth, but I will still respect your ability to tell it like it is. 

I think part of the reason why I have been so unsettled this year is due to the fact that I have met so many people that demonstrate the apparent unwillingness to not shoot shit. Again, ironic really, when I am probably the easiest person to be honest with. My issue is that when you are dishonest, you don’t give people the ability to make their individual choices based on the truth, and nothing but the truth. These people, the ones neglected the courtesy of honesty, are subsequently denied the free will to make decisions that are best for them. It is unfair, and they are forced to manoeuvre with false information. I have a real fucking issue with that. It pisses me off more than I wish it did. When did we become a collective generation of people that are so selfish as to not grant the people we have interactional connections with the decency of a little respect. Or is it just the kids I so happen to have dealt with? Because hand on my heart, so many humans I have met this year has had some degree of shady’ness. People who are nearest to me have experienced shady’ness by those they hold dear. Again, it doesn’t sit well. 

I try to be philosophical and search for the deeper meaning, the lesson that I am so blatantly meant to learn, but I come up with nothing. Nothing. It actually makes me loose a little faith in the human race. Maybe people are just jerks. But more confronting – maybe there are no lessons. Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s my karma. Despite the fact that I can be a grade A bitch at times, my heart has always remained kind. It’s probably what I am most proud of. I have never intentionally hurt another person through my actions. I have always done best to help those who I can, in particular to those whom I do not know. I have always donated to those less fortunate. Yet still, there has to be something I’m missing. And it’s this questioning that drives me to escape reality from time to time. To give my brain a break. A break from the endless questioning and analysing. Maybe this is what 2019 was meant to teach me – that despite how you act towards those that you meet along the journey of life, you are not owed the same courtesy. In fact, you are not owed anything at all. Do unto others as you would have do unto you – is not really a concept for the modern world. Instead, it should be more along the lines of this, with a little more realism thrown in….

Do what helps you sleep at night. Be honest to others, because it maintains your integrity, but don’t you for a second expect to receive it in return. Be kind, because that is who you are, but understand not all are like you. Give what you can, because you want to and for no other reason. 

But most importantly, a little advice to myself, sponsored by 2019…

Don’t underestimate the fact that you will meet people who will be the opposite of all that you are. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll claim to be, but at the end of the day, their actions won’t match their words. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that, humans can be shitty people. You don’t have to always internalise everything. Maybe, despite every core belief you have, you were wrong. I repeat, you were wrong. Maybe, there aren’t always lessons associated with situations. Maybe, you have to stop being so empathetic and naive. Maybe, you need to be a little more realistic and a little less esoteric. Life can harden you, and that’s okay too. Maybe one day it will all make sense, but that day is not today. 

And finally, maybe, just maybe, for once in your life, it would do you a little good to do nothing other than the things that you want to do, and for no other reason than you want too. Don’t factor others into any aspect of your life. Do you. You stopped doing that along time ago, I reckon it’s about time you started again….