I don’t want to wake up on a Tuesday in 5 years time and have it be “Meatloaf Night”.
This, my friends, is the conclusion of a good few weeks of some serious contemplation.
Let me explain.
My entrance to this world was quite the dramatic one (seriously, are y’all surprised by that?). For reasons that are not my story to tell, I’ll keep it simple. For the first few weeks, months of my life, my “mum”, was whichever nurse was on rotation at the time. I didn’t have the opportunity to have the maternal connection that some would say a newborn should have. Maybe that’s where my independence comes from. Maybe that’s also where my issue of abandonment comes from. It is what it is and it was what it was. But I do acknowledge that it surely plays some part.
My life, has always been in a constant state of “when”. “When” I get to this, I will be happy. “When” I have that, I’ll be content. It is the constant striving of the unattainable, that has really lead me to one of the most potent realisations.
We, are afraid. Period. We’re afraid this isn’t the right relationship, and we’re afraid that it is. We’re afraid that they won’t like us or we’re afraid that they will. We’re afraid of failure or we’re afraid of success. We’re afraid of dying young or we’re afraid of growing old. We are, I, am more afraid of life than I am of death.
When I was young, I liked to believe in the fantasy that was Disney. The princess; always found her king, and as we all know it, they lived happily ever after.
I was lucky, I found my king early. Well truth be told, we hated each other at times. He teased me, I dobbed on him, you know, the usual. We grew up together. Born on the same day. He was always the naughty kid. But I got him. His cheek, was forever endearing. I remember when we were teenagers, I had those rad as fuck glow in the dark galaxy stickers on every inch of my bedroom ceiling. I’m telling you now I was the envy of everyone (well I thought so). We lay staring at those stars all night taking about things that teenagers shouldn’t be advanced enough to talk about. He was the most misunderstood kid I knew. He was also my favourite human. One that I did a lot of firsts with over the years, cigarettes, weed, breaking and entering (kidding)…
In an ideal world, it was him and I. Getting older, battling it out until the end with the same spirit we had as kids, just with the freedom of being adults. Unfortunately though, as I learnt, life is not a fairytale. And sometimes you get a phone call, you would never wish on anyone.
I didn’t go to his funeral. Something I will probably regret for the rest of my life. The one day that is supposed to honour his life, and I choose to not be there. I know at the time it was because I was not ready to believe that for the rest of my life, I was never going to see him again. He wasn’t going to bust out in a rap of the Fugees Killing Me Softly in the car. He wasn’t going to give me that look of cheek that no one will every be able to replace.
To this day, I don’t think I’ll ever miss anyone be as much as I miss him. And I’ll never think that life is some fairytale. I have seen the destruction that his departure has left of those that loved him, and that can never be underestimated.
To be honest, I think I searched for him in everyone from that point forward. Some little trace, some little reminder. It was never going to work.
Fast forward, in the here and now, I’ve transitioned to the opposite. I purposely seek out those which are unattainable, because they provide comfort. I know, from the bottom of my heart, I do not need to get invested. And not getting invested, is where I am most content.
Every now and then though, on the very rare occasion, someone will sneak in, and it takes me by surprise when it does. It’s most certainly not what I plan for, but, I’m only human and it happens, like recently. Of course when it does, as the queen of self sabotage, I’ll freak out and find the first opportunity to make them run, or at the very least briskly walk. I know I’m doing it at the time, even when there’s a part of me that doesn’t want too. I regret it, but they’ll never understand the why, so best to blame it on something else, alienate them, and move on to the next meaningless arrangement in the name of convenience you’ve somehow managed to obtain in the meantime. Whilst simultaneously getting cut because you know the one you may give a shit about is looking elsewhere. It’s not often you find someone you want to spend a little time with. To be honest, you weren’t even sure if anything beyond fun would have worked, but now you’re pissed because you slammed it before you even had the chance to find out yourself. Sometimes you wish it was different, even if you don’t like labels, or cliche.
This balls up, really made me think. Paired with a lot of quiet time, a lot of distracted time, and a shitload of yoga, helped me find my explanation. The answer I’ve been searching for and can say with the upmost conviction. And it is this…
It’s not that I’m afraid to be happy, it’s that I’m afraid that when I am, it won’t be what I’ve been searching for this whole time. It won’t be something outside of myself. I don’t want to wake up on a Tuesday in a white picket fence home and think, fuck, best buy some mince from Coles today because it’s meatloaf night. That’s not who I am, and it’s not what I’m searching for in this life. I guess, at the end of the day, I may not know what I want, but I finally know what it is that I don’t want, and that’s good enough for now…
MY MATHS TEACHER AND I 